Tuesday, April 06, 2004

always on my mind 

I'm going to memphis tomorrow, primarily becuase i want to see graceland. I suspect its going to be a very emotional experience for me because my love of elvis is intrinsically linked to memories of my mother.

i don't know if its being away from home or saturn returning or simply having time to let my mind drift but i've been thinking about her a lot recently, wishing i knew more about her. perhaps its just a part of the spiritual journey i feel i am on at the moment.

memory plays cruel tricks sometimes; i struggle to remember her voice and if i try to picture her its always static and cold like a photograph. i'm not going to idolise her; she was very troubled; and only now am i starting to go some way to empathising with the problems she had; I used to demonize her a little i think, remembering the bad times and sure we had those. i was 14 when she died and struggling with those universal teenage issues of saving the world, getting a snog and being as misunderstood as possible.

i didnt see my parents as people. i didnt understand agoraphobia. and i didn't realise that people you love, with their idiosyncrasies and secrets and wisdom and affection, i didn't appreciate the people who have always been there for you can sometimes just vanish.

Yes, i coped very well with the loss and got on with life and certainly don't dwell on things. i'm so lucky is so many ways and i love being me. But sometimes i miss having a mother figure, sometimes i miss my mother. Sometimes i think I haven't remembered enough or honoured her fully. Its only recently, with all the hospital shit i've been through, that i've appreciated the courage and love she displayed for her children and started to realise its healthy to have a sense of history.

Some of my fondest memories of her are of the days we would listen to her old records, she loved music and this is one of the greatest gifts she gave to me (although i recall her telling me pop would cause me nothing but trouble) Her favourite records were by Elvis; we would sing and dance and i would catch a glimpse of her happy and untroubled.

She never saw Graceland. I hope a little piece of her spirit will see it through me and be glad.


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